The Whole Truth

The Whole Truth

By Mark Leitheiser

In last month’s article, “The Final Bell” I wrote about my retirement from the GFW School District. Since then, a lot has changed and it has changed quickly. Shortly after publishing that article I was offered, and accepted, a teaching job at Prairie Lutheran School (PLS) right here in Fairfax. No one is more surprised than I am at this turn of events but it seemed like a nice way to close out my teaching career.

Unfortunately, my quick hire has raised a few eyebrows with some members of our community so today, I would like to set the record straight concerning the ethics of the hiring process. To do so, I have volunteered to appear before the Honorable Judge Judy Knowitall for questioning, under oath, to appease any concerns within our communities.

Judge Judy: “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, before this court?” Mr. Leitheiser: “I do, Your Honor.” “Good, let’s get started. I have a bridge game this afternoon.”

“You say you retired from the GFW School District in early June. Is that correct?” “Yes, Your Honor, I retired the first week in June.” “Were you pressured in any way to retire?” ‘Absolutely not. Parents, students, colleagues and even administration were nothing but supportive of my staying on at GFW.” “How about that principal, what’s her name, Galactica?” “Actually, it’s Galetka, and she could not have been more kind or more supportive of my decision which I deeply appreciated.”

“Yet, even with this support, you still chose to retire. Why?” “That’s a tough one, Judge, but it just felt like the right time. There are a lot of changes going on at GFW right now and I enjoy change about as much as sitting on an examining table in my underwear waiting for the doctor.” “That’s a rather disturbing image; let’s move on.” “You have no idea, Judge. At any rate, I loved my students but found myself struggling with motivation, feeling tired and bored with my material. I always promised myself that when I felt that way, I would retire.”

“So how did you feel when you retired?” “Actually, I felt kind of lost. People seem to think I should have been doing backflips, but I was sort of sad and depressed. It was an odd time for me.” “Did you have any idea of what you would do when you retired? Any job offers?” “Not a clue, Your Honor, although several people did express interest in my services.”

“And you never thought to apply at PLS?” “No, Your Honor, it never crossed my mind, which is odd because I knew Anna Endorf was leaving after years of dedicated service.” “You knew Ms. Endorf was leaving but it never occurred to you to apply? Why not?” “As I’ve pointed out before, Your Honor, no one has ever accused me of being bright.” “The court will not argue that point!” “Thank you, Your Honor.”

“All right, then, tell the court how you became interested in PLS.” “Sure. About a week after I resigned from GFW, I received a call from Randy Ristow and Macord Johnson at PLS-” “Wait a minute, now there are a couple names that sound familiar! Haven’t those two scoundrels appeared before this court multiple times in the past?” “Oh, no, no, Your Honor, I’m sure you’re mistaken. At any rate, they had heard that I had retired and wanted to know if I would be interested in teaching at PLS.”

“This must have felt good.” “Actually, I was a little irritated, Your Honor.” “Irritated? Why?” “Well, Sweetums, Petey and I were just about to enter Culver’s for lunch when they called. At first, I turned them down but they kept after me so long, I started salivating like Pavlov’s dog thinking about my cheeseburger and fries. Finally, out of desperation, I told them I would think and pray about it.” “You told them you would think and pray about it so you could have a cheeseburger and fries?” “I think and pray better on a full stomach, Your Honor.”

“So what happened?” “Well, it’s a funny thing. The more I thought and prayed about it, the more it made sense to accept the job.” “You do understand that this is a Lutheran school, don’t you, with faith-based education?” “I do, Your Honor. As an experienced teacher and recovering sinner, I think I am well qualified for the job.”

“I see. What classes will you teach?” “I likely will be teaching some English courses, some social studies courses and one section of math.” “MATH!? Have they looked at your math grades?” “Apparently not, Your Honor.” “The court may have to enter a plea of insanity here.” “Now wait a minute, Judge, that seems a little harsh-” “Not you, ya dope, I mean the school board who agreed to hire you.” “I can’t argue with that.”

I think we’ve been at this long enough, Mr. Leitheiser. Do you have anything else you’d like to add?” “No, Your Honor. I promised to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth and that’s exactly what I did.”

“Very well. Let me see if I got this straight. Last spring, you were feeling tired and worn out so you decided to retire rather than continue when you weren’t sure you could give your best amid the shifting landscape of public education. You left with strong support and absolutely no ill will toward GFW. You had no idea what you would do next but were surprised to get a call from PLS and after a cheeseburger and fries and careful thought and prayer, decided to take the job to finish your career in a small, Christian environment. Does that sound accurate?”

“I couldn’t have said it better myself, Judge!”

“This court is adjourned!”